The Cheryl That Cried Tunt
by Red Witch
Summary: It's never a good idea to give Cheryl too much free time.


**Cheryl burned the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. A thought occurred to me to what these guys do all day when they aren't working. And let's face it, that's a lot of down time. A bit too much in Cheryl's case.**

 **The Cheryl That Cried Tunt **

It all started when Cheryl walked into Cyril's office. With a big grin on her face.

" _What?"_ Cyril asked in an annoyed tone. He didn't bother looking up from the papers he was working on.

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled.

"What is it Cheryl?" Cyril sighed, still not looking up. "What's so funny?"

"He, he, he…" Cheryl kept giggling.

"Damn it Cheryl what have you done **now?** " Cyril shouted.

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled with that same maniac grin on her face.

"Oh **great!** " Cyril shot up. "Just great! Emergency meeting! Emergency meeting!"

Cheryl was laughing manically. "Oh shut up Cheryl!" Cyril snapped. "Unless you want to tell me what you've done?"

She just kept laughing. "Of course you won't…" Cyril grumbled. "Why make anything easy around here when you can make it fifty billion times harder?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" Archer remarked as he and Lana walked in.

"God what is all the shouting about?" Mallory grumbled. "I swear sometimes I think I will go deaf."

"That's not funny Mother…" Archer glared at his mother.

"What's not funny?" Ray asked as he walked in with Pam.

"Tinnitus!" Archer snapped. "It's a serious disease."

"And once again the discussion turns to **you,"** Mallory groaned. "When I was talking about **me!** "

"Like mother like son," Ray remarked.

"You know…?" Archer and Mallory said at the same time.

"Look I'm calling this emergency meeting…" Cyril began.

"Hang on," Mallory interrupted. She turned to Archer. "I wasn't talking about Tinnitus! I was referring to the fact that you all yell like it's a trading floor at a stock market! Only instead of stocks you sell **idiocy!** You yell like it's the Idiocy Market! A person could go deaf with all the screaming you do around here!"

"We do tend to yell more than characters in a horror movie," Pam admitted. "I wasn't going to say anything but it does kind of create a stressful environment."

"And Mother," Archer gave her a look. " **You're** usually the one that does all the shouting!"

"That's true," Ray nodded.

"He does have a point," Lana said.

"Oh I shout do I?" Mallory snapped.

"Yeah I just said that," Archer told her.

"Okay, fine!" Mallory snapped. "I'M SHOUTING! I'M SHOUTING! I'M SHOUTING!"

"If you've finished your obligatory Clue quote for the day will you please…? Wait hold on!" Cyril looked around. "We're an idiot short."

"Or we could always use another short idiot," Pam quipped.

"Where's Krieger?" Cyril shouted.

"He went out on a supply run for the day," Ray said. He looked at Cheryl. "What's got **you** so happy?"

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled.

"Great fine! We'll have to do this without him!" Cyril groaned.

"Do **what?** " Lana asked. "Why are you calling a meeting?"

"I didn't authorize a meeting," Mallory frowned.

"You don't have to! It's **my agency**!" Cyril shouted. "Mine! Mine! MINE!"

"Now you're shouting," Archer quipped.

"Told you it wasn't just me," Mallory sniffed.

"Calm down Higgins. What's got your panties in a twist **this time?"** Pam scoffed.

"He, he, he…." Cheryl kept giggling.

" **That's** what's got my panties in a twist!" Cyril shouted as he pointed at Cheryl.

"He, he, he…" Cheryl kept on her idiotic giggling.

"Oh dear God no…" Mallory's face fell. "Not **again!"**

"Not another Tunt Fire Drill…" Pam groaned.

"Why didn't you just say that in the **first place?"** Archer barked at Cyril.

"I'm saying it **now!** " Cyril snapped. "Why didn't you idiots stop dicking around when I…?"

"What did you do **now** Stank Post?" Pam snapped at Cheryl. Cheryl just kept laughing.

"Damn it Cheryl!" Ray snapped. "You pull this stunt every other month! You laugh like a hyena on laughing gas while the rest of us run around playing 'Where's The Fire'!"

"Half the time there isn't even a fire!" Pam snapped.

"And the other half there is," Lana groaned. "Which means we need to do a sweep of the building."

"Wonderful!" Mallory grumbled. "Just what I wanted to do today! Way to go Cyril!"

"How is this **my fault**?" Cyril shouted.

"How is it **not**?" Archer asked. "Actually, I'm confused about that too. How is that his fault?"

"Well as head of this agency you should know better and give her busy work!" Mallory snapped.

"Oh **now** you admit I'm head of this agency?" Cyril raised his voice. "It's interesting to me when you **actually do!"**

"Only when she doesn't want to take the blame! Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"You shut up!" Cyril snapped. "Unless you want to confess to whatever it is you've done?"

"Maybe she didn't even set a fire this time?" Pam realized. "Remember the Limburger cheese incident?"

"Oh no…" Archer realized. "MY CAR!" He ran out of the room like a bat out of hell. "CAROL I SWEAR IF YOU DID THAT TO ME AGAIN…"

"Or maybe I put it in Ms. Archer's car?" Cheryl snickered. "If I did it."

"WHAT?" Mallory screamed. "I swear Carol…"

"Cheryl," Pam corrected.

"WHATEVER!" Mallory stormed off. "If anything is tampered with my car your name will be Jane Doe! As in what they will write on the toe tag when they find the body!"

"I'll check the break room," Pam sighed as she went off.

"I'll check the offices," Lana sighed as she went off.

"Ray and I will check everywhere else!" Cyril stormed off in another direction. "It's more likely fire because Cheryl hates the smell of cheese!"

"I do," Cheryl admitted.

"Hang on," Ray realized something. "If you did set a fire we'd have smelled smoke by now unless…"

"He, he, he…" Cheryl giggled.

"You're just screwing with us aren't you?" Ray narrowed his eyes.

"Maybe?" Cheryl giggled.

"Okay. Yeah. I see…" Ray walked away. "All right then."

Cheryl stood there laughing as her co-workers ran around like maniacs. "DID ANYONE FIND ANYTHING YET?" Lana shouted from another room.

"NO NOTHING YET!" Cyril snapped. "THE COPY ROOM IS A MESS BUT OTHER THAN THAT NO FIRE!"

"THE BREAK ROOM SEEMS TO BE OKAY…" PAM shouted. "EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT KRIEGER LEFT SOMETHING GLOWING IN THE REFRIGERATOR!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S HIS?" Cyril asked.

"HIS NAME IS ON THE CONTAINER GENIUS!" Pam snapped.

Lana added. "BESIDES WHO ELSE WOULD MAKE SOMETHING THAT GLOWS AROUND HERE?"

"WELL KEEP LOOKING!" Cyril shouted.

"I **AM** LOOKING!" Lana snapped. "I'M JUST NOT FINDING ANYTHING!"

Pam shouted next. "HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO BET THAT DUMB BITCH IS MAKING ALL THIS UP AND LAUGHING HER STUPID SKINNY ASS OFF JUST FOR A GOOD TIME? THAT'S WHAT SHE DID LAST MONTH!"

"SO IT STANDS TO REASON THIS MONTH SHE MIGHT HAVE ACTUALLY SET A FIRE!" Cyril shouted.

"WELL I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYTHING!" Pam snapped.

"KEEP LOOKING!" Cyril snapped.

"MAYBE SHE SET THE FIRE IN A DESK AGAIN?" Pam called out. "CYRIL CHECK YOUR DESK DRAWERS!"

"SHE DIDN'T SET A FIRE IN MY DESK!" Cyril shouted.

"ARE YOU SURE?" Pam called out.

"YES! I'M SURE!" Cyril said. "I'M IN MY OFFICE NOW!"

"WELL OPEN YOUR DRAWERS AND CHECK!" Pam asked. "MAYBE THE FIRE IS SMALL?"

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW STUPID YOU ARE?" Cyril shouted.

"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA OF HOW MUCH OF AN ASS KICKING YOU NEED?" Pam shouted.

"SHUT UP IDIOTS AND KEEP LOOKING!" Lana snapped.

"YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cyril shouted. "I'M **YOUR** SUPERVISOR! KEEP LOOKING!"

"MASTERFUL LEADERSHIP CYRIL!" Pam shouted.

"Well I can't find anything!" Lana stormed back into the bullpen where Cheryl was laughing.

"Neither can I," Pam walked in. "Apparently Cyril found his balls when Ms. Archer is out of the room."

"You know…?" Cyril stormed into the bullpen.

"Good news!" Archer ran in. "My car is fine!"

"I'll alert the media," Lana gave him a look.

"Nothing wrong with my car either," Mallory walked in. "Listen What's Your Name, where's the damn fire?"

"Maybe there **is** no fire?" Cheryl giggled.

"I found the fire!" Ray called out.

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted. "Where?"

"What? Where?" Cheryl was confused. "I didn't set a fire!"

"Yeah right!" Pam snapped. "Tell another one Pin-Choke-io!"

"Where is it **this time**?" Lana sighed.

"It **was** in Krieger's lab," Ray walked in. "I put it out. He now has one extremely scorched wastebasket. And I found **this!** "

He held an empty bottle of scotch. "She used this to start the fire," Ray said calmly.

"I didn't!" Cheryl protested.

"Then why is there a scorched wastebasket that smells of scotch in Krieger's lab?" Ray asked.

"I don't know what goes on down there!" Cheryl protested.

"Is that my Glengoolie Blue?" Archer took the bottle from Ray. "Damn it Carol...!"

"Pam if you please," Cyril made a gesture.

"This is one order I want to follow," Pam said. Right before she slapped Cheryl repeatedly.

"OW! OW! OW! Oh wait," Cheryl blinked. "Maybe I did do that?"

"As we tell you at least once a month," Lana glared at Cheryl. "Setting fires because you're bored **isn't** acceptable!"

"Pfftt, whatever," Cheryl shrugged, clearly enjoying the fact she was slapped.

"Maybe you should give a lecture to Cheryl on fire safety?" Ray remarked.

"What?" Cheryl did a double take.

"In fact Lana **and** Cyril **and** Ms. Archer should all give the lecture," Ray grinned. "I think the three of you should do it. Just to really hammer the point home."

"Oh that is just evil," Pam said.

"Thank you," Ray smirked.

"And a damn good idea!" Archer snapped. "In fact I want in on this lecture! With my own segment! On car maintenance!"

"That limburger thing was years ago," Cheryl snapped. "You don't even have the same car anymore."

"He couldn't with the smell," Cyril said.

"I still have emotional scars!" Archer barked.

"Who doesn't?" Ray rolled his eyes. "But I think a lecture would be more effective in punishing Cheryl than hitting her. Since we all know how turned on she gets by violence of any kind."

"But I don't want a boring lecture!" Cheryl pouted.

"Which is why you're getting one," Lana grabbed her by the arm. "Come on!"

"Ow! Oh wait this is good!" Cheryl grinned. "Can you at least promise me some emotional violence?"

"I make no promises," Lana rolled her eyes.

"Yeah I forgot she gets off on insults too," Archer groaned. "So Mother you'd better cool it with the insults."

"I make no promises," Mallory said as they went off with Lana and Cheryl.

"I don't wanna listen to a dumb lecture!" Cheryl pouted.

"That's what you get for setting fires Cheryl!" Cyril snapped as he and Pam went off to their respective offices. Leaving Ray alone in the bullpen.

"Yes, bad Cheryl," An idea formed into Ray's mind. "Bad, bad Cheryl…"

The following afternoon on the roof of the Figgis Agency…

"That was a lot easier than I thought," Ray smirked as he calmly drank the stolen scotch from a flask on a deckchair. "And to think I was wondering what I was going to do this week."

"CHERYL YOU SCRAWNY BITCH!" Pam was heard shouting through the nearby vent. "I SWEAR TO GOD THIS TIME YOU WENT TOO FAR!"

"Even without the shouting I can hear them," Ray absently looked at the vent.

"CAROL!" Archer's enraged voice was heard.

"These bear claws are tasty," Ray nibbled one. "No wonder Pam loves them so much."

"YOU BURNED MY BEAR CLAWS?" Pam could be heard shouting.

"NO I DIDN'T!" Cheryl protested.

"THERE'S A BURNED BEAR CLAW RIGHT ON YOUR DESK YOU DITZ!" Pam shouted.

"It's amazing what you can do with a lighter," Ray smirked.

"CAROL WHY DID YOU BRING BABOU HERE?" Mallory was heard shouting.

"I DIDN'T!" Cheryl protested.

"OH AND I SUPPOSE YOUR OCELOT JUST HAPPENED TO WANDER INTO MY OFFICE AND PISSED ON IT?" Archer yelled.

"Or brought in by someone with bionic legs that have super speed and a whole lotta catnip to keep from getting scratched," Ray smirked.

"FIRST YOU STEAL MY SCOTCH! SET A FIRE WITH IT…" Archer yelled. "AND NOW YOU DEFILE IT BY BRINGING BABOU IN HERE? OWWW! BABOU!"

"THAT'S IT CHERYL!" Cyril shouted. "I'M CUTTING YOUR PAYCHECK!"

"I get paid?" Cheryl was confused.

"Something tells me that's not an appropriate punishment Cyril," Pam groaned. "Besides Glenda Gottrocks over here is so rich the few bucks you do give us every week won't be missed!"

"OW! OW! BABOU! OWWW!" Archer yelled.

"I guess the catnip wore off," Ray remarked.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Archer shouted.

"I think it's the fact Babou has very little stimulation at home…" Pam began.

"I WAS TALKING TO CAROL!" Archer snapped. "OW! But you do have a point Pam!"

"Cheryl even for **you** this is out of control!" Lana snapped.

"OWW! SO IS BABOU!" Archer yelled.

"This is working out better than I thought it would," Ray snickered.

"THAT'S IT!" Mallory shouted. "CAROL IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER LECTURE!"

"But I didn't do anything **this time!"** Cheryl protested. "I'm pretty sure I didn't!"

"PRETTY SURE? OWWWW!" Archer yelled.

"Well I did sniff a lot of glue and eat a few gummy bears this morning," Cheryl frowned. "So today is a little fuzzy."

"CHERYL!" Krieger yelled. "YOU BURNED MY WASTEBASKET? WHEN I WASN'T HERE TO WATCH? SERIOUSLY?"

"I might have done that yesterday," Cheryl admitted. "Or not. I can't remember."

"Krieger maybe you should put in a microchip for real one day?" Pam shouted. "Because the warranty of Cheryl's brain has expired!"

"Oh no! Cheryl out!" Cheryl shouted.

"GET HER!" Archer shouted. "OW! BABOU!"

"I should make this a monthly thing," Ray smirked as he took a drink.


End file.
